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I’m not paranoid, but everyone thinks I am.
Marriage (Possible side effects may include sadness, anger, sudden drop in finances, depression, sexual abstinence, and sobriety)
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Meetings are 20% small talk, 5% what the meeting is about and 75% wasting everyone’s time.
Ways to get to my heart: 1) food ... that’s pretty much it
Dear middle finger, Thank you for sticking up for me.
Spread happiness by smiling at a stranger today, or flash them your boobs...... Strangers love boobs!
You don`t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Say no to drugs! Then again, if you`re talking to drugs, you`re probably already on drugs.
If it wasn’t for profanity, I wouldn’t be a pro at anything.
How awesome would it be if boobs made maraca sounds when you shook them? LOL
Always forgive your enemies. Nothing aggravates them so much. But if you really want to piss them off tell them you will pray for their souls.
I add "Drink Beer" to my weekend to-do list so I know I`ll at least get one thing done.
I think you people lied to me...exactly how much of this hair of the dog do I have to eat before this hangover goes away?
Sure, I`ll show up at your Halloween Party... I`ll be coming as the invisible man....