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"Slow and steady wins the race." Unless it`s one of those weird races that puts an emphasis on speed
I believe pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens
How many facebook friends do you have that if they posted "I`m depressed and on the edge", your first thought would be to poke them?
Nothing says "high-functioning alcoholic" like being really good at darts.
I dare you to spit on this status.
My moral in life is simple. You treat me good and I`ll treat you better.
Don’t bother flirting with the girl from accounting, she knows how much money you really make.
Huh, So you are telling me that these straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress? And not for what I`ve been using them for all this time?
I’ve learned to use meditation to handle stress. Just kidding, I’m on my third glass of wine.
You know what’s easy? ... Opening another beer
I always learn from mistakes of others, who took my advice.
All this time I thought Bi-Polar was big white bear with no sexual preference.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat`s just being dramatic.
If your day was that bad, why do you assume we want to know about it?
I wish real life had as many ejection seats as cartoons.