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Anyone else see the irony in Disney World?.. You know, the fact that it`s a giant human trap, ...set by a mouse.
My home security system is a series of paintings with the eyes cut out.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
If you can’t laugh at yourself, call me… I’ll do it.
The only thing worse than having a song stuck in your head for an entire day is not knowing the name of the song.
I don`t always say `oops`, but when I do, it`s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity........thats how rich I want to be.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
I like when people call me "Sir". I just wish they wouldn`t follow it up with "you`re making a scene."
I`m single by choice. Just not my choice.
I wish the guy made of money in the Gieco commercial would ride his motorcycle through my town.
A murderer was about to be put to death in the electric chair. "Do you have any last requests?" asked the chaplain. "One," he replied. "Will you hold my hand?"
Every so often you come across a person who always smiles no matter what, that person is the reason why random bitch slaps should be a thing
There are 10 types of people in the world, Those that understand binary, and those who don`t.