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Why would I ever pay to go to a NASCAR event when I could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free?
Designated drivers just drive me to drink.
Do you think in the spirit world they have TV shows about trying to make contact with the living?
If I cover my phone at work with Preparation H, would it filter out the `pains in the butts` from calling?
Checklist: Poke People ? Delete People ? Block People ? Send Friend Requests ? Accept Friend Requests ? Ignore Chats ? Make Stupid Photoshop Pics With My Face ?....Morning chores all done.
Can Walmart be a feeling? I`m pretty sure that`s how I`m feeling today.
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night... In my defense I didn`t even know I was driving.
I don`t have a drinking problem, I just celebrate everything! Like the fact that shirts have armholes, I`ll be celebrating that tonight.
If you think human beings have evolved a lot. Look at how much Egyptians worshiped cats. Then go look at Facebook for about 10 minutes.
When a cop asks you, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" It is never a good idea to respond, "Because my tires look like donuts?"
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
My blind neighbor sure does take his dog on a lot of walks...
I`d care more about your feelings if they came with a toy and chicken nuggets.
Apparently my "Please STFU" face bears a strong resemblance to my "Oh, Please Keep Talking" face.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn`t mean to answer the call.