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I`m amazed at how much better my life has been since the iOS 7 update. I bet it would be even better if I owned an iPhone.
My salad pic. got more likes than your selfie.
You Are The Reason My Middle Finger Was Created.
take me drunk i`m home
Sorry I got mad and said a bunch of things I meant but shouldn`t have said out loud.
Ok honey don’t freak out, but someone broke into the house, ate all the ice cream, smashed that picture of your mother, and didn’t do the dishes.
So what if Jesus turned water into wine... I turned a whole student loan into beer once. your move Jesus.
I remember, once upon a time... for about 2 seconds... about 13 years ago... I almost gave a damn.
Some day I wanna be "change my oil every 3000 miles" rich!
Your shadow is a confirmation that light has traveled nearly 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet thanks to you
Imagine all the amazing places you could take naps if you were Superman.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think "that`d be a great name for my new baby!"
I tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Secret Web Cam Test: Please nod your head yes if you can read this.
ATMs should have built in breathalyzers. I would save so much money.