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I have a disease called AWESOME...You don`t understand it since you don`t have it.
Apparently you have to go to the gym more than once to get in shape, what the hell.
Nothing makes me want to leave a website more than a pop-up window saying, “Are you sure you want to leave this page?”
Just found out that I’m 53 Cheetos tall.
If we learned anything from the Mayans, it’s that if you don’t finish something, it’s not the end of the world
Turtle: I`m the slowest. Snail: No, me. Internet Explorer: Bitch, please
Life Tip: Tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry, they will clean it for free!
John has 35 candy bars. If John eats 27 of them what does he have? .... Diabetes. John has diabetes.
I went to my local shop for a paper the other day. A guy out of no where started to throw eggs, cream and milk at me. I thought to myself how dairy?
wants to come back as a bird after I die.... just so i can sh!t on the people who piss me off.
MAY` contain nudity? Either it does or it doesn`t. DON`T WASTE MY TIME
The hardest question of the weekend.. can or bottle?
Whoever said "nothing is impossible" never tried to nail JELL-O to a tree.
Porn is a lot like yoga pants. Not everybody should be in them.
God: Is there anything else you need Adam? Adam: yes I want a Sandwich! God: Ok let`s create eve.