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A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, "Do you know what tomorrow is?" and watch the panic set in.
Sorry, I can`t today ... My sister`s friend`s mother`s grandpa`s brother`s grandson`s cousin`s uncle`s fish died. Yes, it was tragic.
Can everyone come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back & not say a word to my parents so they think I lived a cool double life.
I don`t have a drinking problem, I just celebrate everything! Like the fact that shirts have armholes, I`ll be celebrating that tonight.
If you have fewer than 25 FB friends. Please unfriend me because thats just embarassing and I dont want to be on your "loser" list.
Have you ever wondered if God looks down at you in a humorous moment, chuckles to himself, and says "yeah I made that!"
Life is like a p@nis. Simple, soft, straight, relaxed and hanging freely. Then women make it hard
The hardest part about having a vivid imagination is finding enough things to climb on to avoid all the frickin’ lava on the floor!
If I say sorry I missed you, better look really close the next time you cross the street, I don`t miss twice.
Don`t expect me not to hopscotch all over your house if you have fancy tiles.
You can always count on me to feel you up when you`re feeling down
Internet went down so I had to spend time with my family. They seem like good people.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait....
A lifetime of fire drills has prepared me to completely ignore the alarm during a real fire.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.