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Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Starting tomorrow, whatever life throws at me, I`m ducking so it hits someone else!
I swear this is the last time I watch Groundhog Day
Haters gonna hate, your honor
Was shopping when a small child riding shotgun in a shopping cart yelling "why you ain`t got no babies?"I bet my father in law paid her
These kids next door to me need to quit yelling. I`m about to wake up their mom and send her back over there.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I`ve never been more scared of a drink in all my life.
Folding laundry with a toddler is like trying to straighten a desk full of papers while a fan blows on it.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body. Some people are capable of getting on every last one of them.
I don’t think girls realize how handsome my mom says I am.
Everything I like is either: illegal, immoral, fattening, addictive, expensive, or impossible.
I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you... the more you have the longer you live.
Lazy Rule#15325434090371466: you`re so lazy you didn`t even finish reading the number.
They`re having a Jamaican hair-do day tomorrow at work. I`m dreading it.
Leave a comment if you`ve started drinking. Hit the `Like` button if you`re already sh!tfaced. *Cheers*