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I’m starting to think that the gym isn’t really for me. I went this morning and laid down on the mat to do some sit-ups. I woke up 2 hours later.
If you think you aren`t creative, buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it.
Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "Also, you live next door."
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Every-time I run I hear Mario Brothers theme song in my head, and look for things to jump over.
I don`t have issues... I AM an issue
I`m sorry but, I could not hear you over the sound of my internal hope that you would shut the f*ck up.
I hear boomerangs are making a comeback.
If any of you have gotten any weird texts from me recently, its because my phone is working fine and I`m just trying to make you feel uncomfortable.
Happy Halloween… may all of your skeletons stay in the closet where they belong!
I cannot turn water into wine but, I can turn ice cream into breakfast so that’s pretty neat.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Women my age expect a man to have his sh!t together by now. Time to start dating younger women.
I did a terrible job preparing for my Blue Man Group audition and boy is my face red
I always thought I looked like romeo, until I washed the picture off my mirror...