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I just want someone who will love me for the a$$hole that I am ;)
They told me to come here and write something funny, so I`m gonna post my bank account balance: -$4.09
Sometimes I feel bad about the things I say and do, but today is not one of those days.
All the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting up in my truck.
I figured out the chemical composition of Holy Water. It`s H2OMG
You know your phone can take pictures of other people too right? Just checking.
"If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best" literally translates to "I`m a loud, sloppy drunk."
Good news: I can still do a full split! Bad news: It wasn`t on purpose!
Meal prepping is basically eating a week`s worth of leftovers from a meal that never happened.
More tattoo artists really just need to say "No, I`m not doing that."
You should see the sh!t I don`t post.
Dinosaurs never had pizza and they all died.
"Polar bears can`t jump." - Black bears
“People will believe anything if you whisper it.”
Dear karma, I have a list of people you missed.