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It must be really hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest because I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Facial recognition software can pick out a person in a crowd, but this stupid vending machine at work can`t recognize my dollar bill with a bent corner...
Never trust a married guys opinion of who`s hot. It`s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
Sitting in the cinema, ready to watch the movie, then BOOM! The human giraffe sits in front of you
I made a New Years Resolution to gain 20 lbs, so I can relish in the sense of accomplishment and success!
If anyone every texts me “who is this” I always respond “Jake from state farm”
I’d go to the gym but I’m still tinkering with the ultimate workout playlist I started three years ago.
Worrying: a waste of imagination.
People with kids, your posts are all the birth control I need.
I wish my bladder had a snooze button.
Dear person reading this, just want you to know that someone cares about you. It`s not me, but I`m sure someone does...
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup, and just took probably the biggest vowel movement ever
A blind man walks into a bar....and a stool....and a table....
Tell a therapist, Not Facebook.