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You can`t buy happiness, but you can buy ice cream, and that`s kind of the same thing.
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some sh!t.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
I think today I`ll stalk my stalker, just to shake things up a little.
PRO TIP: Date someone who doesn`t drink vodka so she won`t drink all of yours.
Going to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me with that needle, I run off yelling `thanks for the free shave loser!`
Diamonds are the hardest substance in the world ... to get back from a woman
Still waiting for a criminal on Law and Order to say,,, "Hey,, Aren`t you Ice-T?"
Go ahead, post sober. Ruin everything.
Stealing other people`s statuses on Facebook is called a Facelift.
I went somewhere earlier and saw a frog parked illegally and the poor thing got toad!!
You`re always ahead of schedule when it comes to disappointing me.
Happy birthday you motor boatin SOB! Have a great day
You can`t run from your problems. unless your fat.