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I hate crickets in my house.....except for the one I just killed. He seems ok.
Knowing sign language is a handy skill when it comes to identifying schizophrenics at famous people`s funerals.
Why does this membership application to the YMCA not have "The Village People" as an option for "How did you hear about us?"
In light of recent events, I have no choice but to deduct a full star from my Yelp review of Earth.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that`s older than you.
There`s a word for people like you ... "leave"
Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I`m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
Remember, you can always run from your problems. Unless your problem is a Cheetah.....then you`re screwed!
I dont pay for cabs if I’m too drunk to drive. I find the nearest Dominos, order a pizza delivery to my house & ask for a ride home with it.
Dear Boyfriend, Your wallet was getting fat so I thought I’d take it out for some exercise. Sincerely, your Girlfriend.
What am I doing with the rest of my life? I don`t even know what I`m doing with the rest of this post...
If you can`t handle me at my worst I completely understand, because I can`t either.
I always ask my waitress to name everything that comes in the salad then I respond “OK perfect, I want a cheeseburger with none of that on it.”