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common sense is like deodrant. the people who need it thr most never use it.
I put on my pants like everyone else. Right after the security guard in Target says "Sir, we`re going to have to ask you to leave."
State of mind is in no mind to state its state of mind.
We live in a society that`s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
My GPS is basically just one more woman in my life who I turn on and then ignore.
Your just jealous because u don`t hear the voices.
Iām giving up on the silent treatment. ...Going to start talking to myself again.
Some things are better left unsaid, but I`m probably gonna get drunk and say them anyway.
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don`t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night.. Next question
If you people knew how expensive, time consuming and hard this stalking stuff is you wouldn`t freak out every time you see me in your bushes.....geesh
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
A girl updated her facebook status saying: All men are dogs and I commented ā¢ Which breed is your dad?
I don`t know why I even bother chewing corn.