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The last time I got drunk I married Satan..I`m not doing either one again
My weekends are basically just spent splitting a bloomin` onion with my bros at Outback Steakhouse while trying to figure out why girls don`t like us.
It`s not working. I`ve napped every day this week at work and not a single raise or promotion. Sleeping my way to the top was a stupid idea.
I hate it when I write a sarcastic Facebook status and someone who doesn’t speak sarcasm has to comment and ruin it.
People with the loudest car audio systems usually have the worst taste in music.
sex is like a joke, some get it some don`t.....
I’m old enough to know what’s bad for me and young enough to do it.
Calling all men...Eboli can live up to two months in semen..YES! You better wash your socks.
YouTube is so addicting, I click on a music video and next thing you know I`m watching how to make ice cream.
Good job on the speed traps, cops – How are the murderer traps coming along?
Everyone’s beautiful on the inside. Some people just need a few good stab holes to let that beauty out.
This is the only way I know how to correctly use a semi-colon ;)
As a kid, I used to be afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I’m terrified of the electricity bill.
If you wake up with a chick and you dont know her name, take her to starbucks, they`ll write it on the cup.
Filling out a job application. Under "Military Experience" I put that I once went commando for 4 days in a row.