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People around me think I`m losing it. So today, I had to sit myself down and have a talk.
There is nothing louder than a party across the street that you weren’t invited to.
I don`t go to bars anymore, but I miss some things about it. So sometimes I wait outside my bathroom for 15 minutes when I`m dying to pee.
Super Bowl Sunday, the one day of the year that DVR`s are used to watch commercials, instead of skip them!
I`ve got to remember to tie a string around my finger!
I told everyone at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I won`t have to talk to them.
If you think your having a bad day ... You could be digging your own grave at gun point and find buried treasure.
Regardless of how much time you think you waste, just know that someone created a very detailed Wikipedia page for Grumpy Cat.
Swearing releases stress and that`s just one of the f*cking reasons I do it.
If you see a road sign that says "Survey Crew Ahead" they actually are not looking for your opinions ... I know that now.
An ex asking to stay friends after you break up is like a kidnapper asking to stay in touch after they let you go.
If I ever had to run for my life, I would probably die.
If you`re looking for happiness, walk to your nearest liquor store.
Some people say I`m a dreamer, others say, “If you fall asleep at work again you`re fired"
I like to Party! ... and by Party I mean take Naps