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You never know whats going on in your life until you’re f*cked up.
When someone is in a bad mood, I like to help matters by pointing out several times that they seem to be in a bad mood.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d like to bring a guest.
At any given time, my wallet is worth more than it’s contents.
I just want someone to touch me the way a woman touches a pair of shoes she cannot afford.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Now it`s too hot to take down the outdoor Christmas lights.
New word of the day: Stupidiot!!
If you guys could read my mind! It would be all like; " "
Learn a lesson from your dog. No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that crap and move on.
Winning isn`t everything. Rubbing it in the face of your opponent is also important.
I’m convinced that the employees of McDonalds were just customers who could pay and are working off their bills.
That last phone call with my wife was so boring, I feel like I owe the NSA an apology.
Me: You`re the prettiest girl I`ve ever seen. Her: You just want to have sex with me. Me: And you`re smart too, I like that.
I mostly use Facebook to remember why I stopped hanging out with certain people.