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I`ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don`t know karate.
My girlfriend would be so mad if he found out that I`m telling people she`s my girlfriend.
Relax, we`re all crazy. It`s not a competition.
I wonder if people without dogs actually pick food off the floor?
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
thinks that drinking beer is the second-most satisfying thing a guy can do for himself with one hand.
It’s a good thing the fate of mankind doesn’t depend on me turning on the correct stove-top burner on my first try.
No one in my family has ever actually used the Olive Garden gift card. We just keep passing it down from generation to generation.
That awkward moment when you`re telling the truth, but start laughing like crazy and everyone thinks you`re lying.
I just ate Pasta and Anti-Pasta, but they annihilated each other, now I am hungry again.......
These spaghetti-o`s taste like I don`t get paid until tomorrow.
Dear Fruity Pebbles: Calorie content w/out milk is unnecessary. Anyone shoving dry Fruity Pebbles down their throat isn’t counting calories.
I have a million dollar idea that I will share with the first million people to send me a dollar.......
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How sh!tty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Just called my own voicemail and left messages until the memory was full. People can`t leave messages now. That`s the kind of genius I am.