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I just had a conversation with my-self...but it just turned into an argument. I think it`s that time of the month...
"I`m only having one" ...said by many, practiced by none.
I Don’t answer text messages right when I get them so I don’t seem desperate. Then, I forget about them and never respond.
Joggers always give each other a little nod when they pass, just like fat guys in a buffet line.
Why is this dude chatting with Jake from State Farm at three in the morning anyhow?
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run, but I did break a sweat.
If ignorance is bliss then there`s a crap load of people in paradise
Going to a bar where "everybody knows your name" sounds terrifying.
Ladies, Admit it. Sometimes you look down at your own boobs and think "Wow, these are Awesome!"
As a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood until they move.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells "CODE RED, CODE RED" really loud then people scurry like mad.
Stop procrastinating. Join Hokey Pokey Anonymous today and turn that life around!
You`re the type of person who didn`t rewind the Blockbuster VHS...
Do you smoke? Smokers: "Yes." Non-Smokers: "Never have, never will." Stoners: "Smoke what?"