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I`m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler. Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Lying in bed, listening to the Doors. I really should oil the hinges...
According to the squirrel riding a unicycle in my kitchen, I may have taken too much sleep medication.......
I would watch NASCAR if it was more like Mario Kart.
Remember, laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have diarrea.
I used to make fun of my dog for barking at dogs on TV until I caught myself in the car pulling over for a siren on the radio.
I hate it when I think I`m buying ORGANIC vegetables but when I get home I discover they`re just REGULAR donuts...
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is "BURN HIM, HE`S A WITCH"
I don’t drink water, unless it’s been through a brewery first.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
All I know about sex is from Internet Porn, I`ve tried everything except `Buffering`.
iTunes got it all wrong, the hottest single of the year is me.
During the holidays people have to make a choice between enjoying the holidays or spending it with the relatives.
Driving a Dodge doesn`t automatically make you a defensive driver.