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Do Starbucks employees take coffee breaks?
If you can´t afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don´t know where you are.
It’s not you. It’s me finally realizing that you’re terrible.
I used to be a terrible flirt ... I am much better at it now.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don`t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Why aren`t they called A$$teroids instead of hemorrhoids???
My stomach just growled so hard I thought I was getting a text message.
Yea...sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Deep down, we`re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Now that I know how many calories there are in a pint of beer , I have decided to stop eating.
H.A.T.E.R.S. : Having Anger Towards Everyone Reaching Success?
If any of you have gotten any weird texts from me recently, its because my phone is working fine and I`m just trying to make you feel uncomfortable.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as "man surprised his credit card was declined"
Billion dollar idea. A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I`m just cooking!"
I bet the women who only post about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.