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I bought a $300 dollar tent so I can camp outside Best Buy for 3 days to save $20 on a TV.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I`ve ever made.
The weekend went by and I don’t remember any of it. That’s a good thing right?
Wife: You always blame other people for your problems. Me: Yeah, and whose fault is that?
I just scrolled so far back on Facebook`s Timeline... I wound up back over on MySpace. :(
oh look at the time, it`s time to not care
My wife told me, "I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me." I said, "You have perfect eyesight."
There’s plenty of fish in the sea… I just suck at fishing.
I don`t get why people find drunk text annoying
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
I`m not funny, I`m just really mean and people think I`m joking.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said "seriously?" after a comment you made during an argument.
When life throws you curveballs, swing at those motherf*ckers like Stevie Wonder with a lightsaber.
You`re not the sharpest knife in my back.
I am really glad the shutdown is over. I`ll tell you something, it was very lonely being the only nonessential employee who was working.