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I`m sorry I hurt your feelings. When I called you stupid, I really thought you already knew..
You will never be happier than a girl who just discovered her dress has pockets.
There`s no b, c, d, f, g, h, j, k, l, n, o, p, q, r, s, u, v, w, x, y, or z in team either.
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, `13...13....13...13.` The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on. Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick. Then they all started shouting. `14...14...14...14....
As long as everything is exactly the way I want it. I`m totally flexible.
May the bridges I burn light the way.
I`m just standing here...50 yards away, waiting for the restraining order to expire.
We look like we are being productive, but really, we are just talking sh!t about co-workers and how drunk we got last weekend.
My problem? Smart phones are too smart.
A communist joke isn`t funny unless everyone gets it.
If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions.
I attend weddings simply to hear them two beautiful words that bring so many happy people together...."Open Bar!!"
I was fighting with this guy over who`s lazier. I let him win.
If history repeats itself then I am SO getting a dinosaur.
My favorite exercise is a combination of a lunge and a crunch. It`s called lunch.