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When people said they sleep like a baby, it`s because they do not have one.
Im a leader not a follower... unless its a dark place then f*ck that your going first!
Why does life keep teaching me lessons I have no desire to learn?
Hummingbirds are just regular birds that can`t remember the lyrics.
Truth is, it’s not a “long story”… I’m just too damn lazy to explain it.
If I can see you, you`re invading my personal space.
Diet Tip #63 : Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour.
In Starbucks a customer went sh*t house rat crazy when they got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot they ordered ... I`m fine now.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Hooters does have hot girls, but the Subway girls are the real wife material.
I have an irrational fear of speed bumps but, I’m slowly getting over it.
is a reasonably intelligent person who does moderately stupid things on a semi-regular basis.
FYI: You can buy wedding cake even if there`s no wedding, those suckers don`t even check
Every time I`m not with my kid and someone asks me "Where`s the baby?" I just yell "Oh crap!" and run in the direction I came from.
"You only live once" is also an equally compelling reason not to do something extreme or stupid.