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McDonald`s should have a 3rd window, where you can trade in all the wrong sh!t they gave you at the second window.
I do not have commitment issues... I`ve been buying the same brand of vodka for 8 years!
In a weird twist,,, The longer I stay at home,,, The more homeless I look.
It’s amazing how little information I need on someone before I decide I don’t like them.
Thank God you`ve updated your status to "Finished lunch" after you first posted "Going to lunch" I really couldn`t tolerate more suspense.
Shoutout to this ATM fee for making me buy my own money.
I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
All you need is WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn`t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn`t, use the tape.
I`m losing my mind, but as long as I keep the part that tells me when I gotta pee, I should be OK
Somethings are best unsaid but my brain to mouth filter has never worked right.
You bring the friendship, I`ll bring the benefits.
Sometimes I want to comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08' album at 4am.
Me: "Sorry I`m late. Car trouble." Him: "What kind of car trouble?" Me: "It doesn`t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start."
The Titanic is a great lesson of why just the tip can get you in a lot of trouble.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It`s simple. If it`s clean, it`s on the floor. If it`s dirty, it`s on the floor over there.