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life is unfair theres 6 days between monday and sunday but only 1 between sunday and monday
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Enough with the lies, people who drink decaf coffee, tell us what your game plan is.
I always hate when I miss out on wear your pajamas to Wal-Mart night.
If you have a tattoo on your face, you`ve lost the right to ask me what I`m looking at.
You can tell a lot about someone by whether they read HP as horsepower or hit points.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I`m sobering up.
I`m so pissed right now! I`m about to open a can of... Wait…WTF??!! Since when did they start putting child-proof lids on the cans of whoop-ass? A little help please...
Diamonds are the hardest substance in the world ... to get back from a woman
You said you wanted my advice, but I see you haven’t f*cked off or died yet.
If you think your wife has a sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose pedals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes
When someone calls you a bitch just say a bitch is a dog, a dog barks, bark is on trees, trees are nature and nature is beautiful. thanks for the compliment ;)
DiGiorno should start delivering, just to screw with people.
Benefits of dating me: 1. You`re the sane one.
I said my wife`s name three times in front of the bathroom mirror and now my wallet`s empty...