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I’ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
If you see anything posted from me that involves something normal or appropriate, it is not me. I believe I`ve been hacked.
Sorry I said "You`ll Do" instead of "I Do" at our wedding.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to "what would you do if you won the lottery"
Whoever said, "All men are created equal", has obviously never been to a nude beach
It`s tax season. Anyone have some spare kids?
Nothing like a brisk morning jog to start the day! Just kidding! I don`t do that.
Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an I-pad
The most expensive part of having kids is all the booze I drink.
Interviewer: Have any weaknesses? Me: Bullets I: No, I mean… M: Knives I: I don’t think y… M: probably evil dragons I: … M: Focusing.
Five little words that will win my heart, "I brought beer and pizza."
I just burned 1200 calories.I forgot the pizza in the oven.
Never make the same mistake twice, There are so many new ones, Try a different one each day.
I am the head of this household, and I have my wife`s permission to say so.
I often worry about the safety of my children, especially the one that is rolling their eyes at me & talking back right now.