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Years ago, my girlfriend said, “It’s me or the beer!” I wonder how she doing…
If it weren`t for WebMD I would have never known what symptoms to mimic so I could get all these prescriptions from my doctor.
My train of thought likes to circle around the station a few times, take some wrong turns, and end up totally lost.
People of planet Earth, thank your gods that I`m not in charge of the red button.
Make sure your goals are unattainable so you`ll feel a little better about giving up later
[takes out checkbook][clicks pen] Alright, how much to make these Bit Strips to go away forever.
My co workers put cookies on my desk, like they`re leaving a sacrifice for an angry god.
Describe myself in three words ... 1. Lazy
I should go to sleep but the Internet needs me.
When the machines rise up against the humans, just pray to your God that you`re nowhere near a dildo factory.
When my girlfriend texted me "I`m enjoying 5 guys in bed" I was quite surprised to arrive and find no hamburgers
Put your gossiping skills to the test, go write a novel...
My friend is showing me her new vegan handbag. I know vegans can be annoying, but should we really be making accessories out of them?
I was worried my notifications had stopped working but luckily I’m just unpopular.
Ever wonder if we`re just a reality TV show for a more intelligent species?