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Sometimes all you need is $100,000
A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughter`s school concert.
I`m not mature enough to be in a yoga class.
I don`t really want to make bad choices; but I`m always late, and all the good choices are already taken..
I`m not saying I can perform miracles or anything, but when the Taco Bell employee isn`t looking,, I can turn water into Sprite.
This is probably the best idea I`ve had yet! -me, right before I do something stupid
I wonder how many couples would still be together if they traded phones for a weekend
Some days should come with a warning label: This day is going to suck, bring alcohol.
Ladies and Gentleman, I’ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There’s never enough beer.
F is for friends who do stuff without you.
The mailman just delivered an 8-track of Boz Skaggs Greatest Hits. I guess this fulfills my Columbia House obligation.
I wish people would stop judging me before they find out how much of an a$$hole I actually am.
Hibernation should be a human thing too.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep.
The problem with reality is that there’s no background music, so you never really know whether something mysterious, evil or adventurous is about to happen.