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From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch.
can´t seem to find love. but its okay. I know exactly where the beer is.
Let`s all play a game: For every political post, you must post 5 non political posts. #makefacebookhappyagain
When you’re old, my kids will be in charge. I’m so, so sorry.
What do you get when you inject human DNA into a goat? Apparently banned from the petting zoo...
They`ve got this brand new machine at the gym. I only used it for about an hour because I started to feel sick, but it`s awesome - it`s got Mars Bars, KitKat Chunkys, Cheetos, crisps.... everything!
"I don`t trust you to not buy drugs" -people who give gift cards
Just saw 2 homeless guys hitting eachother with cardboard... PILLOW FIGHT!
Improve your memory by doing unforgettable things.
If I drove a UPS truck there’s a 100% chance I would fall out of the truck when I turned corners.
Saw these three things on a corner, in this order: Liquor store, gun store, bank. What could possibly go wrong with that?
And remember friends, condoms aren`t always protective....my friend was wearing one and he fell down the stairs
There`s a thin line between "I should write a status about that" and "I should talk to my therapist about that"....
Whenever I want a klondike bar I just pay for it.
Never do anything for money. Unless it’s a lot of money. Then do anything.