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I am so deep in the friendzone I have been introduced to her boyfriend`s parents.
Driving with your gas tank door open is the equivalent to having your zipper down.
No one knows what women really want, but everyone agrees it still won`t be enough.
I`m first world poor. That means I have a smart phone and laptop that I use to go online and see that I have no money in my bank account.
Happy Labor Day to someone who barely labored this year.
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain beard 3.) prisoner of war beard 4.) homeless person beard 5.) wizard beard
Next time I get a bunch of, "likes," on a comment I post on someones status/photo etc.. Im gonna edit my comment and change the whole comment to, "like this status if you would f*ck your father." Just to make anyone else who reads it from then on think ill about the people who liked it. ™
The leading cause of divorce ? ... marriage
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks.So if you`re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
The wifi going down on me is the most action I`m going to get tonight.
Why don`t strip clubs do Black Friday? It would be the one place I would camp out to go in.
"Omg. Why does this store have so many naked pictures of me?"... "Sir those are mirrors, and we`re gonna have to ask you to leave."
Im having a problem in Call Of Duty, I go to the menu and... alright by now the girls have stopped reading this, anyone know any good porn sites?
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It’s not like a murderer will come in thinking “I’m gonna ki..-ahhh. Damn, he’s under a blanket.”
Life is like a bowl of soup; you only get blown if you’re hot.