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Why do people say ”I saw it with my own eyes.” Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?
My cat probably thinks I`m cleaning my ice cream...
Only in math problems you can buy 60 watermelons and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
There`s never been a lazier group of people than the ones that settled on naming a candy bar "Whatchamacallit."
Keep calm and drink on.
On the bright side, all that coal will keep me warm this winter.
Just finished my first book yesterday. 450 pages. Man, that was a lot of coloring...
Based on how I react when the toast pops out of the toaster, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
I need an emoticon that’s stabbing another emoticon in the eye with a pen while repeatedly punching it in its little emoticon balls.
Is snaxting a thing? Texting each other pics of your snacks? Cause I feel like I’d be pretty good at that.
A small child called 911 upon seeing a zebra because he thought a horse escaped from jail
One day id like to have a brand new Iphone like the lady in front of me with the food stamps.
If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that`s another weakness
Nice try speed bumps, it`s a rental.
Buying your wife a gun is like saying. "You know, I kinda want to kill myself, but I want it to be a surprise."