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If you`re single and you know it hug your cat!
Just heard about the Obamacare deadline and I`m freaking out. I have so many questions. Who is Obama?
There`s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words "gruesome discovery" coming from your TV on the morning news.
There really should be awards for getting out of bed.
Sometimes I whisper, "I`m on your side" to the computers, just in case they ever succeed in taking over the world...
Men would be way more excited about cleaning if spray bottles made a laser noise.
Whenever I see a happy couple.... smiling, giggling, feeding each other food, whispering sweet nothings, very much in love..... I just wish I could give them a lie-detector test.
Based on commercials, every single car has won car of the year.
I never thought I`d be the kind of person who`d wake up early in the morning to exercise ... And I was right.
Everyone is beautiful in their own way, your way just happens to be in the dark.
And today I learned to never ask a woman how she dye`s her roots black.
Snails would be terrifying if they moved quickly.
I don`t have a drinking problem........I just celebrate everything!!! Like the fact that I have pants on, I`ll be celebrating that tonight.
Laugh now but at the rate they are reproducing, the people of Walmart may one day take over the world.