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ALCOHOL - Because no good story ever started with someone drinking a glass of orange juice.
I don’t like being told what to do…unless I’m naked.
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
Women are fascinated by mythical creatures like unicorns, vampires, and men who are good listeners.
You know what’s funnier than watching someone trip and fall? Absolutely nothing!
I think Tampax and Hershey`s should get together and offer a super pack....
Why does the girl in the Wendy`s commercials have Ronald McDonalds hair?
When I think of you I touch myself ... On my temples ... You give me a migraine.
Finally down to my pre-pregnancy/pre-kids weight...well...before my wife had kids I mean.
If I`m carrying a torch for you it`s only because I want to set you on fire.
No matter what`s happening there`s always part of me that would rather be taking a nap or drinking.
I hav 10 fingers bt i usd only.. the thumb to write this...!
Karma means I can rest easy at night knowing all the people I treated badly had it coming.
Some people live life in the fast lane. You’re in oncoming traffic.
They say you can tell how someone has sex by how they dance…. So ladies be prepared for a lot of counting and clapping.