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I don`t just sing in my shower, I perform.
It may not look like it, but I`m actually very handsome.
You know you`re a bad driver when Siri says, " In 400 feet, stop and let me out".
I`d be willing to sleep my way to the top if it actually meant sleeping.
I have no problem giving credit when credit is due. But giving payment when payment is due is an entirely different thing.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
I overheard 2 girls say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
It`s the little things in life that matter the most... for instance the refrigerator light, helping you to see that last beer way in the back!
I SOOOOO wanted Kim and Kayne to name their daughter Wild Wild...
Alarm clocks should come with sounds like “tiny doll feet scampering into the closet” because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it`s fun to push things down the stairs.
Life gave me onions ... Onionade sucks.
Just witnessed kids playing tag. What is this world coming to? Do their parents know they are outside, interacting, and getting exercise?
Celebrate Valentines Day responsibly, or you`ll be celebrating Thanksgiving in a maternity ward