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Can`t dance? Spell your name....in the air...with your butt. BOOM! Next problem...
one of the Olsen twins got married earlier today! when the fiance was asked "which one???" he replied "who cares???"
You`d think the nerds on The Big Bang could fix that stupid elevator.
If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan.... She`s a keeper!
So many feelings today. Mostly hunger.
I don’t like to think before I speak. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
Sometimes putting on pants is the hardest part of my day.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside
How about a T.V. show that just explains the backstory on all of the "For External Use Only" warning labels.
Good things come to those who wait ... Which explains why I`m always late.
Therapy has taught me that it is all your fault.
I add "Drink Beer" to my weekend to-do list so I know I`ll at least get one thing done.
The saddest thing about St. Patrick`s Day is taking down all my Christmas decorations.
Does running away from your problems count as exercising? If it is, then I`m one hell of a fitness freak
The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes after mating, while the female human prefers to stretch it out over a lifetime.