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I’m not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation.
It`s crazy that your brain can calculate where to put your hand to catch a 98 mph fastball... But won`t keep your mouth shut when a woman is angry
I was visited by three spirits last night, Vodka, Rum And Gin. . .
You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she pours gasoline around your car.
To ensure you never cut yourself while chopping vegetables, get a friend to hold the vegetable.
One thing I think the world can agree upon… Any day when you can stay in pajamas the whole time is a good day.
She was rare, like an onion ring in french fries
It`s time for all of us to admit the "endorphin rush" you get after exercise is just an overwhelming sense of relief it`s over
I bet cats are mad they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
I`m just 1 nap, 8 beers, 2 orgasms and my own personal robot away from this being the best day ever.
If your having a bad day, remember that somewhere on this big planet, someone just lost their straw in a capri sun!!
Rest area restrooms are weird. The guy in stall next to me has four feet.
Some days you just can`t get home to your liquor fast enough
Trix commercials just teach kids that sharing is bad.
At my age, my biggest fantasy is to sleep through the night without having to pee every two hours.