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McDonald`s should have a 3rd window, where you can trade in all the wrong sh!t they gave you at the second window.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
My wife didn`t appreciate me pointing out that my alcoholism began around the time that we first started dating.
Gym Update: Not there.
Life is not like a box of chocolates. Its more like a jar of jalapeños, what you do today can burn your a$$ tomorrow
I just drink until the sadness becomes hilarious.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel... It was 3 weeks from tomorrow.
Facebook should win an Emmy for Best Daytime Dramas.
Marriage. Because otherwise hating someone for turning the page of a newspaper too loudly would seem absurd
Just hung a picture. I nailed it.
Jehovah`s witnesses would probably be welcomed into more houses if they brought booze or cookies.
"Hello 911?" "Someone just stole my status on Facebook... yes, I`ll hold."
Who’s that sexy beast…………..oh I clicked on my own profile again. ;)
Things I`m confused by: how did Rub a Dub Dub, Three Men in a Tub become a nursery rhyme?
Nothing embarrasses a psychic more that throwing them a surprise party.