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Sometimes I think of something so wrong and inappropriate that my little black heart skips a beat with delight.
FACT: Candy corn is made out of melted down traffic cones.
My business card is just a label I peeled off a beer bottle.
There is no better indication of how drunk you are than how loudly you declare that you`re not.
I know you`re supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day, but how many can I have at night?
Turns out if you fake your death every monday work catches on.
The hardest part about being humble is not telling people how much better I am than they are.
Shout out to people wondering what the opposite of in is.
If I can see you, you`re invading my personal space.
Carfax but for people
Smiling gives you wrinkles. Resting bitch face keeps you pretty.
Your name should be Gelette because you`re the best a man can get
If my house is clean, it means that Facebook is not working.
I`ll tell you what`s wrong with modern society. Nobody ever drinks out of the skulls of their enemies anymore.
Beach people are fickle. One minute you`re the loser with a bucket of cold fries and the next they`re terrified of the Lord of Seagulls.