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If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she`s practising for her next selfie
Sometimes, late at night in the market..i switch up all the color tubes in the hair dye kits.
Nice try, blocked number but I don`t even answer the phone for people I know.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
How do you get to be that guy who waves the chopsticks at the the orchestra? I feel like I could do that.
Halfway through singing a romantic ballad to my cat, it occurred to me that I`m going to die alone.
You know that 200-foot high expansion bridge you drove over today? Just remember that it was built by the lowest bidder.
If I live to be 100, I`m gonna make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people. Like, I ate a pine cone, or drank olive oil every single day...
Targeted ads are trying to sell me a new mattress nowadays. With how much Google knows about me you`d think they`d cap themselves at something like $5 footlongs or stationary.
Here’s the thing about work: I really don’t feel like doing any.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
With great power comes great electricity bill.
The original creator of the phrase “common sense” surely didn’t know many people.
Irresponsible is when your neighbor doesn`t pay their wifi bill.
I don`t fear death... It happens to everyone. I just hope when I am dead and buried, I don`t vote Democrat.