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You think you are too small to make a difference? then you have never spent a single night with a mosquito.
An apple a day is bullsh!t. Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White, Blackberry or any pig at a luau.
"I have to go eat cake now", should be a perfectly valid reason for leaving a social occasion where cake has not been provided.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
If you`re going to walk a mile in my shoes...Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
went to see the conjuring, and now there`s 10 crosses, four bibles, and a poster of Chuck Norris in my room.
If you ever find lotion on a guy`s night stand, it`s not because he wants to moisturize his skin.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats
Ever wanna tell someone to shut the f*ck up even when they are not speaking
Dear Toilet Paper Makers, We`ve all unexpectedly run out at some point. Please make the tube in the center softer. Thank you...
My New Years Resolution is to be more positive and less sarcastic...I wonder how long this bull$hit fantasy will last.
"I knew that..." -Me, after every Jeopardy question.
Porn teaches kids an unhealthy and unrealistic idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.
Iām holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team.
If I ever get arrested I am going to ask for a status update instead of a phone call.