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I`m amazed at the mileage my car is getting. I`m still running off the same tank of gas I bought last year!
Anyone who says "Let`s all put our phones down and talk with each other," is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Ask your doctor if walking blindly into traffic is right for you
What I do when I black out is none of my business.
I don’t like being told what to do unless I’m naked.
I am busier than a one legged man in an arse kicking contest.
There 492 billionaires in the United States, and not one of those goddamned losers has decided to become Batman.
Some people have goals of conquering the world! My goal is to sleep through the night without having to get up and pee!
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
Since It`s summer here`s a little advice, best way to beat the heat is to wear a San Antonio Spurs jersey
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it`s considered responsible. But if you do that with your gf, it`s called "cheating."
We`ve spent years planning and preparing for the zombie apocalypse all for nothing......clowns....its gonna be clowns that finish us off.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is "I can post that"
My wife told me I have to quit playing poker all the time but I think she`s bluffing...
I love you Mario, but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of.