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Why are you showing me pictures of your kid if you have a dog?
Mad respect to people who can stop eating when they`re full.
One day, I`m gonna wait for the Wal-Mart greeter to go on a bathroom break, step in their place, and begin welcoming everyone to K-mart.
My GPS is basically just one more woman in my life who I turn on and then ignore.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
I remember when downloading a song meant trying to tape it off the radio while hoping the DJ didn´t talk over the song.
People who copy and paste jokes from other’s status messages are idiots…A few seconds ago • Like • Comment
Most days the best thing about my job is that my chair spins
People pay to sponsor animals in the wild and get pic updates on it. Well if anyone would like to sponsor me I will send you a selfie a day.
I once bought shoes in China that said "made around the corner"
M?o?n?, T?u?e?s?, W?e?d?, T?h?u?r?s?, Friday !!!!
I see dead people. Well technically they`re stupid people, but give me a few minutes
You know it`s cold outside... when you step on dog poop and roll your ankle
Honking your horn is fun but rolling down your window and screaming “honk” at people is just way more satisfying.
Nothing says IDGAF like an old lady at a slot machine wearing oxygen and smoking a cigarette.