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It`s amazing what you`ll wear in public when you`re not trying to have sex with anyone.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
I am looking at this online special deal at Disneyworld and thinking no, my kids can annoy me just fine right here at home.
Iron man is a super hero, Iron woman is a command.
Dear World, Stop saying "twerk."
Can we just stop with the pre-sliced cheese? Is anyone so busy that they don’t have time to cut the cheese?
Hey NFL, solution to your recent problem, start allowing players to hit each other on the field again
We Should Have A Way Of Telling People Their Breath Stinks Without Hurting Their Feelings. Like: "I`m bored, let`s go brush our teeth"
Relationship status: running out of films on Netflix.
To a cop, doing donuts in a parking lot has a whole different meaning.
Receipts are just short-stories about how stupid you are with money.
If you tell people you used to weigh 500 pounds they`ll tell you how great you look at 250.
"nice crocs. where did you get them?" - nobody ever
People without kids: I`ll never yell at my kids ... People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD, JUST WALK!
I wish all my freckles would just mix into a tan.