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Is it wrong to tell a knock knock joke to a homeless person ?
People all around the world are out doing interesting and productive things right now. You are reading this.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers? I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those ... Wait ... Two. I have 2 kids.
You heard me right. I said:"Lets agree to disagree." It`s much more polite than:"Whatever, bitch."
You don`t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.
I finally stopped caring what other people think ... I hope everyone`s ok with that.
I wonder whether I can trust doctors with dead plants in the waiting room.
Just saw the first duckface of Spring.
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,…Why don’t you ever smile in my pictures?
I`m paying my taxes with a smile, but they wrote me back saying they want cash.
Pizza will never tell you you`re fat unless you`re high as sh!t, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.
When the coffee stops working it is probably the right time to start drinking.
I wanted to book an Elvis impersonator for a party so I phoned them up and got a call centre. It said `press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.`
Benefits of dating me: 1. You`re the sane one.
It takes me like three days to wake up in the morning.