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I don`t care how the future pans out, any amazon delivery from now on is referred to as a drone strike.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
My friend is a magician, she can turn anything into an argument.
I`d say I`m not a morning person but I`m really not sure I`m an evening person either.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
My train of thought is loco, no motive.
They should put Prince on the $20 bill and call it $19.99... It`s "The bill formerly known as a twenty."
I don’t care how high you set the bar as long as I can reach my drink.
"Three blind mice" is probably the most popular nursery rhyme about animal cruelty
I`ve been around the block a few times, but then my neighbor realized I was drunk and helped me into my house.
FACT: 99.7% of guys named "Dan" are not actually "The Man".
If only mosquitoes sucked fat, instead of blood.
Big shout-out to slugs for doing everything a snail does but without a helmet.
Do girls that make duck faces in pictures walk in a V formation at the mall?
be smart, pretend to be stupid!