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Everyone has their area of expert knowledge.... if any of you need tips on how to do absolutely nothing amazingly well, let me know.
I don`t hate you. I just hope your next period happens while you`re in a shark tank!
My wife’s new cooking show will be called, "Do you smell Something Burning?"
Insert coin to view my status message.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
People in love use phrases like “takes my breath away” and “swept me off my feet”. I think they’re confusing love with attempted murder.
Lord, grant me the courage to be the person I am under my breath.
Imagine this: You`re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers `Bless you` and hangs up.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
That awkward moment when you finish watching a TV series and you don’t know what to do with your life any more.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it?
Pro tip for picking up girls - keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
I put the b!tch in the kitchen.~ last thing I remember saying before I woke up in the hospital.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes.
"Based on a true story" means it happened more or less like this, but with ugly people.