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So exhausting to have my life changed for the better every time someone posts a screenshot of a famous quote.
Do I have to wake up? I just woke up yesterday.
Sunglasses: allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It`s like Facebook in real life.
"I am upping my standards... so up yours!"
Sometimes I miss being in a relationship, but then I look at my wallet and I feel alright again.
If any of you ever want your kitchen painted orange just give a six year old Cheetos for lunch and tell them not to make a mess. Works every time.
You know you`re getting old when one huge fart throws out your back.
Career goal: Being successful enough to add bacon to my burger without asking how much more it costs.
I`ve started an elimination diet, It`s where I eliminate anyone from my life who talks about their diet.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, "Oh c`mon...even I`ve done THAT!"
It`s everyone`s favorite holiday season where we try to guess if that was a firework or gunshot
what is the difference between a Fly and a mosquito? ``A fly can fly, But a Mosquito can`t mosquito``
Where do all the ice cream men go in winter?
If there is anything I learned from 80`s movies it`s that I`m the best around, and nothing is ever gonna keep me down