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Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!"
No one is more confident than a drunk girl wearing a guy’s hat sideways.
If it requires pants, its not happening today.
Every year new words are added onto the dictionary, yet no new positions are added to the karma sutra.
I know it`s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you`re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Texts from mom: Thanks to the supreme court, now it`s not just women who won`t marry you.
I love facebook... It`s the only place where I can talk to a wall and not look like an idiot...
The truth is, I find it very stressful that Smokey thinks that I`m the only one that can prevent forest fires. I don`t feel trained for this, and I certainly didn`t sign up for the position.
To the makers of rice cakes; thanks for nothing!
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task.
There is no logical reason why short pants should cost the same as long pants.
Found a note on my door today that said ”You’re Awesome!” ... Yes, I wrote it yesturday. But still, the truth is the truth.
These Jehovah`s Witnesses are getting creative. They are now knocking on my door dressed as cops saying they have a warrant.
I wanna be rich enough to have 11 little people who run out of my closet every morning dressed as a nascar pit crew to make my bed really fast.
Monday morning coffee is just as important as friday night liquor....almost.