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Based on how many times I`ve dropped my phone, I`m gonna hold off on the whole baby thing.
I went to Alcoholics Anonymous last week. The first thing they told me to do was to stop hanging around other alcoholics. So I stopped going.
Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
Sometimes not being in control is the most awesome feeling in the world.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I`m sobering up.
I`m all for change as long as it doesn`t directly affect my routine.
I`ll bet I`m the only one in this grocery store with "sh!t for tacos" on my shopping list.
Don`t judge me just because I sin differently from you.
"Do you have a charger?" is the new "Could I bum a cigarette?"
Happiness is realizing you can have as many drinks as you want ... cause you`re not driving.
You know you are getting old when a bunch of annoying teenagers get murdered in a horror movie and you relate more with the killer.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there`s no better excuse to ignore someone.
"There are singles in your area." - me telling a stripper she forgot some money on the floor
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone "Hello you`re on the air" and 99% of the time people will just hang up
The Titanic is a great lesson of why just the tip can get you in a lot of trouble.