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Wouldn’t it be great to hear a priest say “been there, done that” in reply to your confessed sins?
That awkward moment when there`s not a single awkward moment
A lot of people are very competitive when playing stupid.
Caught myself yelling "F*CK YOU" to my burrito for dripping on my pants, if you were wondering who`s raising the next generation.
Can`t afford P90X or INSANITY workout videos? Go find a wasp nest and slap the sh!t out of it. Never knew I could shadow box,bicycle kick,and twirl while floating.
Since smart watches can now read your pulse, there should be a feature that erases your browser history if your heart stops beating...
My friend sent his wedding invitation from Facebook Event. I sent him a gift from Farmville.
I wish Noah would have swatted those two mosquitoes.
If I ever get real rich, I hope I`m not mean to poor people, like I am now.
I would’ve slept my way to the top years ago if it actually involved sleeping.
You know what`s beautiful? Read the first word again.
If I had three wishes, I`d use one for boobs. Because I`m pretty sure I could get everything else that I wanted if I had boobs.
It’s not drinking alone if the dogs are home, right?
Why is it when you take a break from Facebook everyone assumes you`re happy and in love ... Maybe I was in jail.
I wish all these vegetarians would stop eating my food´s food!