Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Just dropped part of a cookie into my printer, so I hit "copy"
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
The world would be a much nicer place if everyone took a chill pill. It would be even better if some of them choked on it.
If you really want to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
I was so disturbed by hearing about all the people using marijuana today that I almost dropped my deep-fried Snickers bar into my 48oz Coke.
You gotta push yourself. Do 15 push-ups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Eat an entire cake instead of just one piece. Burn your ex`s house down. I believe in you!
Note to self: When sending Valentines messages don`t use group text next year.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour must be the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 month olds
I`d like to give a big shout-out to all my hard of hearing friends!
Sometimes, when people are talking to me, I daydream about what they would do if I suddenly punched them in the face.
If it wasn’t for profanity, I wouldn’t be a pro at anything.
Sorry I said "Better you than me" when you showed me your baby.
never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes
How to cuss a kid out... "Shut the fudge up you little astronaut! You son of a batch of cookies! What the helicopters are you doing?!"
Just because you`re not paranoid doesn`t mean they`re not out to get you.