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"Ho, Ho, Ho!" -Santa Claus/Pimp, doing a head count.
Told my kids next time I take their electronics away I`d also be responding to all texts they receive. They`ve been well behaved since.
Well bugger... Just realised the plant ive been watering for 2 years is fake.
Every time I see a safety warning on a product I can`t help think to myself how natural selection has failed us once again...
Does anyone know how much water I`m supposed to add to this baby powder, to make an infant?
The word “fireplace” really reveals the creativity of our ancestors
If you get angry, just take deep breaths and count to ten. Unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
Best grilled cheese ever!! All I did was add a hamburger patty.
Old is when you start thinking about the things you used to do more than the things you’re going to do.
When everything is coming your way ... You`re in the wrong lane.
eHarmony matched me with a bean bag chair with duct tape on it
Nothing says I have faith in God like the bullet proof glass on the Pope`s car.
I`ll bet whoever said "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" had just farted
Just witnessed kids playing tag. What is this world coming to? Do their parents know they are outside, interacting, and getting exercise?
My New Year`s resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.