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I try to avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they are in the middle of a race.
I just got the results of my IQ test. It came back negative.
Unlike milk, it is perfectly ok to cry over spilled whiskey.
I`m beginning to think the only reason I buy bananas is to watch them die a painful death on my counter.
Why do they ask you "Please press 1 for English, then put you with someone who`s accent is so thick you can`t understand them?
"Let`s give the bad guy a ponytail." - 80s movies
Rough day! I have now completed the top 6 things off my to-do list ... Time to go get another six pack I guess.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
I really like that machine at the gym where you put money into it and snacks come out.
Vodka...deleting memories since...uhh...
I`d like to thank Tetris for making me really good at loading my dishwasher.
A real man should never wave faster than he says the word “hey”
The first 5 days after the weekend are always the hardest....
I thought there was a spider on the rug but it was just yarn.....it`s dead yarn now, though.
Billion dollar idea. A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I`m just cooking!"