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Marry someone shorter than you so you can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don`t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Exercise... the poor person`s plastic surgery
If you drink enough tonight, you won`t have to lie when you call in sick tomorrow.
I would like to congratulate my ex`s new boyfriend on giving up blow jobs.
Some of these Giraffe profile pictures are a vast improvement.
I used to make fun of my dog for barking at dogs on TV until I caught myself in the car pulling over for a siren on the radio.
I`m as bored as a guy with no arms looking at porn.
The trouble with children is that they´re not returnable.
Life is a constant battle between my love of food & not wanting to get fat.
Not sure what my spirit animal is, but I am sure it has rabies
Deep down, we`re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
There is 2 address we will always know by heart, 1: Our Own, and 2: P. Sherman 42 wallyby way Sydney!
"It`s not about who`s right or wrong."~ The person that is wrong
My friend is showing me her new vegan handbag. I know vegans can be annoying, but should we really be making accessories out of them?