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Sometimes I don`t go big just so I can go home.
My 83 year old neighbor got pulled over for speeding. She told the cop she had to hurry before she forgot where she was going.
This town has more white trash in it than a dumpster behind a paper plate factory
If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan.... She`s a keeper!
The only people who care about my college degree are the college loan people.
Much of my life is a contest to see which of the voices in my head can say the funniest stuff.
Couples Halloween costumes always end up looking like one person went along with it to save the relationship.
Being the fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn`t have toilet paper with aloe.
Sometimes I watch sports holding an xbox controller just to screw with my girlfriend`s head...
You the bomb" "No you the bomb" A compliment in America. An argument in the middle east
If Monday was a movie, it would be very long and boring.
Not only am I a master of suspense, but I
I am really getting tired of every time I go out people use me for my body. You know, to shade them from the sun and all.
It`s okay I`ll text myself back.