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Ain’t no sandwich when she’s gone.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
The cashier at the dollar store told me to have a good day. Like my purchase of shelf liner suggested any other plan.
People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s a$$ to fall off.
I`m hearing voices again. Probably because my window is open and there are people outside talking, but still.
I`m at an age where I no longer want to marry a doctor for his money, but rather for the prescription medications he can provide.
Went looking for camouflage underwear today.....couldn`t find any
People must stop questioning my sanity, it wont answer them.
I`m opening a bar called The Office. You`re welcome guys. "Be home soon sweetie, I`m at The Office"
I would probably die of sleep deprivation if Facebook added a dislike button
I haven`t talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn`t want to interrupt her.
You being crazy doesn`t bother me. It`s you being crazier than me...That makes me freakin` jealous.
Happy Fourth of July!! Or as the rest of the world likes to call it, Friday.
What am I taking to the Family Thanksgiving feast? Tupperware.
Don`t let anyone call you an "underachiever". If they knew you, they`d know how amazing it is that you`ve managed to accomplish anything.