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I lose all respect for myself when I bite my own tongue. I`ve been chewing for decades, how did I manage to f*ck that up?
thinks my life is becoming a very complicated drinking game.
I’ve discovered, the easiest way to change a flat tire is by not wearing a bra.
You need a high five, in the face, with a chair.
There is no evidence that exists that life should be taken seriously.
I don’t think girls realize how handsome my mom says I am.
I react to "Someone has tagged a photo of you..." in the same way I react to a doctor saying, "Your test results came back..."
Dogs are God`s way of apologizing for your relatives.
With great power comes a great electricity bill.
The differance between flirting and sexual harrassment ... If you`re attrative, it`s flirting.
"Are you completely sure this isn`t textable?" - the perfect voicemail prompt
The worst form of Alzheimer’s is when you walk out of the kitchen and forget to grab a beer.
My boyfriend isn`t allowed to break up with me. You wanna see other people? Look out the window.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job.