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I`m actually a pretty normal person when you ignore the faint cries for help coming from my basement..
Just remember the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your talent
Scientists have discovered that at least 50 percent of fat people’s BMI is made up of excuses...
Do these `Skinny Jeans` make my blood circulation look more than purple or less than purple?
Marriage counselling: Because sometimes your wife needs to hear from a professional that she`s being a bitch.
Eventually we’re just gonna have to accept “ducking” is a swear word.
The secret to success is in my bra.
Dating a single mother is like pressing continue on some one elses saved game
How do people dumb enough to buy $500 sunglasses make enough money to buy $500 sunglasses?
Any person can be nice to my face, but it takes a real friend to be nice behind my back.
I was going to LIKE and compliment your FB pic, but I`m not a good liar.
Somewhere the inventor of yoga pants is near death from all the high fives and non-stop free tequila shots he gets.
"Wow! That butterfly`s gonna be HUGE!" - First person to find a mummy
It only takes one person to ruin it for everyone...Be that person.
Twitter is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.