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Apparently, the answer "I Know" is not a good answer when your friend tells you how good his girlfriend is in bed
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of Alcohol
Well bugger... Just realised the plant ive been watering for 2 years is fake.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
I`m so hot I stalk myself ;)
I have a stalker. Everywhere I go, she`s always there, 10 paces ahead of me...
I put a bumper sticker that says "Honk if You Think I`m Sexy" on my car. Then I wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
My anaconda really doesn`t care if you got buns or not.
If someone says you`re not a mermaid, don`t talk to them. You don`t need that kind of negativity in your life.
You trust me holding your child? Do you know how many iPhone screens I’ve cracked?
Stealing other people`s statuses on Facebook is called a Facelift.
Judging by the commercials, only old white guys with sailboats can suffer from erectile dysfunction.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee`s you`re buying it off of sure can.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I`d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
thinks it`ll just be my luck to win the Lottery tonight ...... and the world WILL end tomorrow!