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Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
I’ve probably wasted a solid year of my life just staring into the fridge.
If playing Grand Theft Auto makes you violent, why hasn`t 25 years of me playing Madden made me a professional football player?
My life coach is the cashier at the liquor store.
When I die, I want people to say, "That guy owed me a lot of money"
Just farted in 3 different languages! Thanks, Rosetta Stone!
My girlfriend says I shouldn`t plan things so far in advance. Well, she`s not my girlfriend yet.
I don`t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
The really cool thing about being a husband is having your mistakes constantly pointed out.
I`m reading a book on anti-gravity. It is impossible to put down.
Currently under the influence of cold and flu medicine...my actions can not be held against me!
Cookies and porn are always better when they`re homemade!
For some reason I`m an extremely secretive person. Don`t ask me why
I had a bit of a lazy day sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online. My boss was furious.
I will admit, my statuses sound a bit different when read aloud by the prosecuting attorney.