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condoms prevent minivans
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I`m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
You hate me? I didn’t even know you existed.
I am so thankful for all the people that aren`t in my life.
Rawwrrr means I love you in dinosaur. Everyone knows that, silly
My neighbor came rudely banging at my door at 2:30 am, luckily for him I was up practicing on my new drums
Mario Bros. Plumbing ????? (69 Reviews) Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfriend.
If I’ve learned anything from Game of Thrones it’s that I need a wolf.
Another tragedy today in the music industry.....Justin Beiber was just found alive in his apartment. :(
If you are what you eat then where is this place that a ton of people are eating stupid?
All I`m saying is, you`ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time
Burned almost a thousand calories with the elliptical machine today. Moved it into the basement, that thing is heavy!
Beware of the deodorants with instructions that ask you to "remove the top and push up bottom"... they could at least make them round.
You know it`s been a good night when you wake up and see bite marks on the walls...
Tried to donate blood today but they had too many questions about where I got it.