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There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else`s house.
You know you`re getting older when your friends start using the term "Pregnant" instead of "Knocked Up"
sometimes i look at people and think really, thats the sperm that won.
Got a cat the other day. Had to swerve to get it, but I got it!
I leave notes on people’s windshields telling them I smashed their car and did an amazing job fixing it.
Do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don`t have to be there
When I find it, I don’t need it. When I need it, I can’t find it…
It`s shocking how much unhappiness is caused by the pressure to be happy.
Drinking always starts out as the best idea you’ve ever had.
I’d go to the gym but I’m still tinkering with the ultimate workout playlist I started three years ago.
If only I did everything with the same precision in which I craft my sandwiches.
My predictive text dictionary doesn’t have “tsunami”, so if you ever get a text from me that says “trumang” start running.
A synonym is a word you use when you can´t spell the word you first thought of.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I fart in my sleep.
My ex was an absolute treasure and by treasure I mean you`ll need a shovel and map to find him.