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If playing Grand Theft Auto makes you violent, why hasn`t 25 years of me playing Madden made me a professional football player?
People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow ... Just sayin
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
I like candlelit dinners, long walks on the beach and hardcore pornography.
Love is grand. Divorce is 100 grand.
Sometimes it’s the little victories, like depositing a dollar to avoid overdraw fees that make me feel like a responsible adult.
THESE NACHOS ARE THE BOMB! …..and that’s how I got my nachos taken away at the airport.
Keys to a good friendship. Same taste in alcohol. Different taste in women.
I think you and I both know that you`re not facebook friends with me for the funny statuses.
Dating a single mother is like pressing continue on some one elses saved game
My life is much more fun and interesting when I`m single... Problem is I can`t remember any of it.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
When your running down the street on fire, people will get out of your way
Forecast for tonight: Alcohol, low standards, and poor decisions.
I am absolutely a man of my word. Unfortunately, it just so happens that the word is "Unreliable".