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A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Birthdays back then: Wow! Look at all these presents!. Birthdays now : Wow damn look at all these notifications!.
The further you push me away, the more I begin to enjoy viewing you from a distance.
They say that nobody is perfect, then they say that practice makes perfect. I wish they`d make up their mind
I can walk up to any dog, rub its belly and make a friend ... That trick rarely works on people.
I`m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign And before that ... we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that sh!t.
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: `Why am I talking to myself?`
havung sex in a elevator is wrong on so many levels....no mattet what floor your on
If relationship breakups never existed, the music industry would go Bankrupt !
When life gives you melons, wear a low cut top.
A communist joke isn`t funny unless everyone gets it.
The queen honey bee has up to 40 sexual partners a day, just like your ex.
The two major causes of depression are: a) having a job, and b) not having a job.
I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup, and just took probably the biggest vowel movement ever