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Diet goal: I want to lose just enough so that my hand will fit comfortably in a Pringles can...
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
Common sense is like deodorant; those that need it most, don’t use it.
Here Friday Friday...come on...hurry up! Oh no you don`t! You come when I call you damn it! Get your a$$ over here. ... good boy!
I got a lot more sleep back when phones were only used for calling people.
The only 2 things that I love and enjoy about being an adult is having sex and drinking alcohol.
I have an alcohol problem, in that I can`t afford any.
All of my selfies are just still shots from surveillance footage.
I`m about 0 for 300 in looking for safes behind wall paintings
I will be good today... I will be good today... I will be good today... Yeah.... I didn`t believe it either..
If you could have one super power would you pick flying, invisibility, or falling asleep without questioning every decision you`ve ever made
You are not stupid, I just think you have bad luck when thinking.
Just so you know, when you repeat what you just said I won`t be listening then either.
Just saw a coyote next to the highway... I hope this tunnel ahead isn`t just painted on.
Ice skating is just walking in cursive.