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My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night. So I said I had a headache.
Some days are just not meant to be productive.
It`s impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.
Always look for the girl with the ponytail holder on her wrist.
I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.
My son asked what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his ipod except 1 song.
In my porno they`d deliver the pizza after they had sex because otherwise it`d just get cold.
Everything I like is either: illegal, immoral, fattening, addictive, expensive, or impossible.
I remember when downloading a song meant trying to tape it off the radio while hoping the DJ didn´t talk over the song.
I paid attention to the construction signs and got in the correct lane. You ignored them for miles and now you want me to let you in. Not gonna happen.
Conspiracy theorists are all so dumb that I suspect they`ve been planted by a secret organization to distract us from what`s really going on
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
I never finish anyth...............
If you Google the word `overreacting` there`s a picture of me using a fire extinguisher on a spider.
President Donald Trump will sign an executive order tomorrow to bring back Pluto as a planet. Make the universe GREAT again.