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Toilets are really just fart amplifiers when you are trying to be quiet.
Big shoutout to my neighbors, who left their back door open accidentally, when I needed a few things and didn`t want to go to the store...
Being a pizza delivery driver is great because literally no one is disappointed to see you
That awkward moment when you open a fortune cookie and all you get is some vague, cryptic statement that`s not even a fortune.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
"I`m not drunk" - Biggest Friday Night Lie.
Sorry I just saw your text from last night, are you guys still at the restaurant
To make it stand, you wet it. To make it wet, you suck it. To make it stiff, you lick it. To get it in, you push it. Threading a needle isn`t easy.
Of all the things life has given to me... I would like to return 20 lbs.
Pretending to be a functioning adult is exhausting.
I dont have awkward moments I have "special" moments.e.g That "special" moment when my "special" ex learns that karma exist..
Adulthood is basically sadness and paying bills.
Try this... When leaving a fancy restaurant tell the people coming in "I recommend you try the donkey, snail or the squirrel".
I think the lady at the movies is "shushing" me, but I can`t tell because I`m eating Doritos.