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I have this condition that prevents me from going on a diet. I get hungry.
I like to friend friends of friends then unfriend the first friend to freak out the friend of a friend.
Thought I saw a kangeroo today turned out to be a greyhound taking a dump !
"Please don`t put a million dumb photos of me on your Facebook... it just annoys your friends" - Every baby
Yes, I know how to shut up. I just don´t know when.
Sometimes to much to drink is never enough
The best part of time travel will be sleeping until noon and making it to work on time at 8am.
Whoever said "Lets do that" in the meeting for the pop-tarts without frosting, should be fired
Shout out to bees, willing to kill themselves just to inconvenience a hater.
Maybe there`s no such thing as automatic doors, just gentlemen ninjas.
I told my wife that I have a sexual satisfaction guarantee policy. If you`re not completely satisfied, we`ll just do it all over again. Guaranteed.
Cats don`t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can`t put them in the washing machine.
The majority of Americans support sending Congress to Syria.
I’m posing nude for an art class this evening. Nobody asked me to. I think they’re making ceramic bowls.
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment.