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What this country needs is more unemployed politicians...
I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
I`m not saying your opinion is stupid, I`m just saying you`re stupid for having it
You laugh because I`m different ........... I laugh because I farted.
I slept on the sofa last night which is weird because I`m not even married.
I add "Drink Beer" to my weekend to-do list so I know I`ll at least get one thing done.
I have this empty feeling inside of me. Wait, there`s my drink.
I love talking about nothing. It’s the only thing I know anything about.
When a girl says "no," a guy hears it as "try again tomorrow."
I may be evil, crazy, insane and f*cking naughty but I do have some good traits, I just don`t dwell on them.
Lightning is like God`s way of saying "Get out of that tree you pervert!"
Pizza will never tell you you`re fat unless you`re high as sh!t, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.
If I’m going to sweep all of my problems under the rug, then I’m going to need a bigger rug.
A 4-way stop is an IQ test you take in public.